#7 : Shitty doodles

welp, some derpy drawings;

i totally forgot aboutthis first one, it was my step-mom's desktop background for like...2.5 years?(i had set it as her bg and she never bothered to change it for years after)... and i saw it in an old picture she took & i was like WOAAAAHHH DIRKJOHN MEMORY UNLOCKED... so i had to redraw it in somethng more reminiscent of my current drawing habits. theyre both drawn with a mouse on mspaint.

the rest are random doodles i have on my computer

#6 : Convention memories

My friend an i went to a convention as john and dirk L.O.L. (i'm reading homestuck with him, he has never read it before and now we are on act5act2);
i was surprised by the amount of homestucks in full cosplay-I mean, there were maybe 12 that i know of, but that's still impressive as my expectations from previous cons i've been to have gotten very lowww! So i was delighted..
First thing i see when i enter the con in dirk cosplay (no wig though, just my hair) is a god-tier dirk cosplayer, sword and wig and everything.......I was speechless and also nervous from having just got there (Conventions make me scared0.0) so i walked past as fast as i could without making eye contact. I never saw that cosplayer again after that though! TT__TT.

then, after meeting with my friend hebrought me to a group of hometucks all in beta kid cosplay. Fun ^_^/ they were extremely friendly and also loud but i liked them. my friend and I introduced ourselves and one person thought i was familiar, which i realized was because of a previous con where he was aradia and i was sollux.
my friend told the group we are cosplaying DIRKJOHN and I was a bit embarrassed because in the past, 2018 or so, when-ever i brought up dirkjohn irl Everyone just looked at me weird. I stopped talking about it because Its hard and no-one understands..... but now,surprisingly, one of the people there said it's one of his favorite ships! It made me really happy, cause it is really common (here and in general) for homestucks to dismiss dirkjohn and just say..."i guess it makes sense if you think about it? but anyway dirkjake is way better."

The cast of beta kids cosplayers were so young thouggh!...Like, 14 years old!
seeing them together made me wish i had homestuck friends when i was 14. i met a bunch of homestucks back then but i never connected to them..
anyway, that group of homestucks organized a homestuck MEET-UP ! I never thought i would be in one,it always seemed so unpopular where i live ! Especially now in 2023.

we went to the homestuck meet-up and I had a great time.. the group made a powerpoint presentation about homestuck (Very surface-level details about the comic)but it was cute. and I just had a lot of fun being able to go to a homestuck meetup and that other people recognized my cosplay. The experience was really heartwarming.
after the presentation, we played homestuck songs on youtube and sang along to karkalicious, you can't fight the homestuck, and other classics...

here's a drawing i did based on a selfie i took of us:

#5 :

I've been sitting on this dirkjohn-centric "ghostbusters AU" i have in my head for a while.. i even wrote some stuffs for it.
I'm also a bit too critical with myself so i can never get myself to really sit down and write anything for it, but the loose idea is there.
for now the concept is that dirk and dave somehow find & buy a real ghostbusters van built in with working gadgets off craigslist or some-thing. then they put up flyers offering their ghost busting services, and jane calls them up about an old abandoned house in her neighboorhood.
she is skeptical, but its rumored to be haunted by a kid who used to live there, and just vanished one day. he was her distant cousin (or something) and shes intrigued by the mystery (his body was never found), and wants to use their help to crack that case.

basically the kid is john and he isnow a ghost haunting that house, he likes pranking people and shit so thats what,he does. to people who enter that house.
he kind of grew up as the years went by, hes not a child anymore, i thought up some story about how he vanished, his body sort of spontaneously crossed the border between the physical world and the astral realm, and thats why his body vanished and his spirit is left trapped in the house. im thinking if it was actually a STORY the end would be that they manage to get johns body back anddd it all works out, or something. but what i have been more focused on is the relationship that forms between dirk and john.

as they start investigating and eventually discover john's ghost and manage to talk to him (it also turns out that john and dave were childhood friends, but dave just stopped hearing from him at some point and never found out what happened until just then), dirk gets progressively fixated on learning everthing there is to learn about john;s ghostly nature, the limits to his abilities and especially he wants to figure out whether he can manage to see/hear john without any gadgets.

this leads to many experiments they conduct together- it becomes a more common thing for dirk to go to john's house alone, and spend hours there asking john to try out all kinds of things to test out what he can/cant do, etc etc.. it keeps john company he'd been craving after being isolated and its really engaging for dirk to research and experiment.
and slowly they get closer and closer and theres a real connection between them, and it starts getting really sad, since dirk really wants to be able to SEE john, and physically be next to him, and it's horribly frustrating. but it only drives them (especially dirk i would say, john is kind of ambivalent after so long of being non-corporeal.)

at one point i imagined dirk would try to get john to possess him, so he can feel corporeal again for a second, and i imagined it as part of the story- like for example they hatch a plan to get john to possess dirk and talk through him to his dad, so he can have a conversation with his dad and let him know he's still "alive" or something like that.

#4 : A conversation between dirk and john about bunnies and gender

Here's dialogue i wrote quickly the other day. ^(n_n)^ (Context for the conversation: dirk and john live together and have various pet rabbits + bunny plushies which they refer to as "Their daughters".)

‘Have you ever thought about how easy it must be to be an animal?’

‘Yeah. Many times.’

‘Take, like, a rabbit for example. Nobody cares if it’s a boy or a girl. It’s completely meaningless! That makes it fun to treat them as girls or boys depending on how I’m feeling at the moment. And that’s why we have so many cute bunny girls who live with us. It’s only fun to treat them as girls when it doesn’t mean anything. Maybe someone else once saw this bunny and gave her a boy’s name and treated her as a boy, and it would have been just the same. That’s what makes it fun that now she is my bunny girl, and I get to name her and call her my daughter and stuff. But she could’ve been a bunny boy in anyone else’s hands, you know?’

‘Well, not to derail your point but I don’t think she could have been a bunny boy in anyone else’s hands. That’s a bunny girl if I’ve ever seen one, fuck everyone else.’

‘Hehe. Yeah, you’re right. But what I’m saying is- for a bunny it’s fun to be a girl. Or a boy. Because there’s nothing heavy about it, it only means what you want it to mean. When you’re a guy there’s so much MEANING to who and what you are that I never wanted to have! I kind of just want to be a bunny girl. Or boy, I guess. Bluh.’

‘...I’ve had thoughts like that before. I’ve thought, why can’t I be a horse galloping around in the field? Eating apples out of someone’s hand, or if no one was around to pamper me, run around and find some weeds to chew on. Maybe slow down at dusk and drink from a puddle of water, not quite big enough to be called a lake. That’s how my everyday would be. I wouldn’t even need anybody. I wouldn’t need to think – everything would happen naturally, instinctively, and I would be alright.’

‘If you were a horse, I bet you would be one of those albino ones with the freaky eyes and eyelashes. And you would have really short fur, and also slim, muscular legs.’

‘Thanks John for sharing your interpretation of my horse-sona. I like that. I think you would probably be a pony of some kind.’

‘I think we need to do research on pony breeds now.’

‘Most definitely. But, uh, you know... it’s really okay, if you want to be a bunny girl. As you yourself said, their societal gender roles are pretty fluid, so it wouldn’t carry any inherent meaning for you to say you wish to be a bunny girl instead of a bunny boy. It would only really mean whatever you want it to mean.’

‘Hmm.. but if there’s no real meaning, then why does it matter? Either way I would be practically just wishing I was a bunny.’

‘There’s no difference... unless you decide that there is. Bunny gender roles are subjective, up to you to decide. You have that power at your fingertips. If John Egbert wants to be a bunny girl, then he will be a bunny girl, and only he will know what that means to him, if anything. Plus, you don’t even have to choose. Again, you said it yourself: your bunny daughter could have been a bunny son to any other bunny parent.’

‘Uh, wow. You’re a real expert on bunny gender, Dirk! Is that like, something you’ve done extensive research on? What are your sources?’

‘You’re giving me too much credit on this particular subject. Half of what I’ve been doing in this conversation is repeating your own words back at you. I think you might actually be the expert in this field, Egbert.’

#3 : hair-braiding

i have a headcanon that dirk likes doing other peopl's hairstyles, cutting and styling and braiding and stuff.

he Makes little braids in roxys hair to occupy his hands when they have conversations and in johns hair in time when john thinks about doing stuff with his hair to feel nice about himself, dirk offers to braid or tie his hair for him and he does and its a nice "intimite while casual" moment they both appreciate because it doesnt force any implication of anything down their throats,its just a calm moment.
john cant bring himself to Like the hairstyles, really, at first, or be comfortable with it right away; but it eases the mood when dirk and him are together and talk or watch something and dirk occupies the empty space by busying himself wiith tying johns hair in different ways even though they will probably untie it once hes done with it and shows john the result. its really the action itself that makes them feel at ease not the result hairstyle, at first. but jonh learns, to like somethings more than others, and stay with his hair tied in pigtails or braids for more than 1 second.
but also,the hair styles themselves become an afterthought after a while, and mostly an excuse for dirk to play with johns hair for awhile and feel just a little awkward about it instead of what it would feel like if he actually did admit he likes touching johns hair and just barely brushing his fingers over the sides of johns face and chuckling at john's protests when his hair is tugged a bit too hard

post #2 : Comparison between dirkjohn and dirkjake. (in my eyes)

during the last couple of days ive been asking myself a question: why do i like dirkjohn so much compared to dirkjake? why do i dislike dirkjake and love dirkjohn? what makes me prefer one over the other? ive never been a fan of dirkjake since my first read. im sure many people find dirk's experience inside a relationship and in general, his struggle with identity, to be relatable - and idid too. in fact i put myself in dirk;s shoes, so much so that it blinded me from understanding the perspective of other characters in homestuck, such as jake or roxy. i looked at the entire situation with the alpha kids very immaturely and one-sidedly, though in my defence i was 13.

anyway, i liked dirkjohn from the very first time i had seen anything involving them. i understood their dynamic instantly and it felt really comforting to think about them. i like them both very, very much and resonate with their character arcs but at the same time was dissatisfied with how the comic ended for them. dirk is just... there? there doesn't seem to be any depth to it? and john, lonely and alienated at the very least. so this lead me to craft my own story in my head, of how they work through their problems after the comic ends, and how meeting each other and opening up to one another helps them with their individual issues, plus makes them feel less lonely. its a comforting thought and one that i had held onto for a very long time by now - i have this fairly developed image of how they meet and how they become a positive influence in each other's lives in their individual journeys through their problems.

but i really value trying to understand other people's perspectives. i like to think with myself and try to figure out certain characters and dynamics, especially ones that i struggle to understand at first. and honestly, dirkjake specifically is difficult for me to grasp. its the only reasonable ship i can think of that i actively dislike. i have had the dirkjake tag blocked on tumblr for however many years, and i think at this point its the only tag i have blocked. but i realize that i dont really understand... why? why do i have such a hard time with it? and i think im starting to understand, or at least i have a theory.

dirkjohn is easy for me. i understand both characters, and they also have never properly interacted in the story, so it is a clean slate for me to project whatever feelings i have about them, and how they would get along. but on the other hand; jake has always been a tough nut to crack for me... i have a hard time putting myself in his shoes, although there have really been times when i felt the way he does about past relationships - trying to be an ideal person and not allowing yourself to be vulnurable or break down infront of the other person, and then distancing yourself because the relationship becomes way too heavy and you dont want to pretend to be someone who is perfectly fine just so you can help the other person with their own issues, so you end up disappearing completely. i have felt that way before, but i still see myself in dirk way more than i do in jake. he has always been sort of an enigma for me (and for many others, what a poor victim of radical mischaracterization), but one of the goals i set for myself in my re-read is to at least try and get a better grasp on his character and his feelings. however, every time i did think about him, i reached the same conclusion; i can't see him in a healthy romantic relationship with ANYONE...so i conclude he is aromantic, along with many other people analysing jake. he always seems worried about his friends being in love with him, it seems to only ever stress him out (because it makes him feel like he has to adopt an ideal-self persona, only making them idolize him even more but is dehumanizing for him) and he is relieved when it turns out the person he's talking to isnt trying to come on to him. this pattern repeats itself with each one of the other alpha kids at least once. he is so worried about that always, the thought weighs on him so greatly, that it makes it really hard for me to see him getting into a relationship as a healthy, beneficial thing for his growth as a person- especially not with dirk... sorry.

but there's more to it than that. and here i'll mention again that reading homestuck when i was 13 did a number on my young, impressionable brain. see, dirkjohn in the canon universe can only happen after their story ends and they settle down on earth c. personally i think it takes a good couple of years for them to find and get to know eachother, and by that time they would be about 20 years old. the nature of that relationship is more mature, two individuals finding comfort in each other and helping each other get through the day. dirkjohn for me is about being broken together, knowing youre broken, and not expecting your partner to fix you, but embracing them for being with you. i like thinking about it. it gives me some peace of mind to imagine that sort of relationship, even though i may not truly feel like that in my own relationship(s). its really comforting to think about my favorite characters moving towards acceptance of themselves and their flaws and fuck-ups, and doing so inside a relationship that allows it.

but dirkjake? dirk and jake go way back. and not only that, but... dirkjake is heartbreak. its a teen romance. of course dirkjake likers can and will think about how they grow and evolve togehter and so does their relationship, but at its core and in canon, it is a really horrible experience. its really painful; i mean, reading about it in homestuck (when jake vents to jane about how overbearing dirk is, when dirk snaps at jake during trickster mode, etc.) really did affect me personally. it hits close to home for a lot of people im sure. being 15-16 is so incredibly different from being 20. first relationships, while they might not seem like much or be that long, can affect you for the rest of your life.. youre still growing and vulnurable, and these kinds of relationships can shatter you, hurt you the most, and for the longest time.

so i think with this i can understand one aspect of why people like to imagine dirkjake resolving their relationship problems and re-inventing their relationship in a healthier, better way. i suppose its for people who like them both and want to see them happy and working through issues. its for people who want to feel like these heart-shattering experiences can be worked through and broken bonds can be healed and become more real than ever. and if i dare say it, its for people who hope..? they hope that these things can be achieved through mutual work. i think i can at least understand the desire or fantasy to work through the most painful experiences, and rebuild unhealthy connections through honesty.

an important difference between dirkjake and dirkjohn from the way i see it: dirkjohn is something that grows later in their lives, after theyve already been through a lot. dirkjake however is there from very far back in their personal journeys. theyve been a part of each other's lives for a very long time, and i think thats what makes it a more....serious ship? a more profound relationship, in a way that i dont feel about dirkjohn. theyre not childhood friends, their paths never cross. until they do.

but, see... in this case, i think i prefer that. its my fantasy world after all, is it not? and in my self indulgent interpretation of dirk, fighting to rebuild that teen relationship that completely broke your heart and hurt you deeply is not something dirk can manage to do, at least not right away. i absolutely see dirk and jake slowly drifting back to being friends, or at least trying to talk through what happened between them to become friends again, in small steps, but i dont see it as the primary relationship in dirk's life, or in jake's for that matter. i think what they need is to focus on what their OWN problems are, as individuals, and being alone. i see that as a meaningful step in finding what is really good for you, as well as understanding who you even are. and to me, dirkjohn originates from being alone. what draws them together in the first place is the fact that they are both alone, but their loneliness is something to bond over.

i really enjoy the inherent loneliness and togetherness that comes with dirkjohn, and the way they go hand in hand. they both sort of do their own thing, with themselves, and with each other; no one tries to solve or fix or heal the other person. they accept the pain of everyday life,and with it the immense comfort that lies within, in little moments. they know they werent "made for eachother", and its kind of a relief. thats exactly what enables their relationship to be as comforting as it is. it doesnt have to be written in the stars. they werent made for each other, werent there from the beginning, but they found each other. isnt that so wonderful, to be able to share your life with someone you discovered along the way?

post #1 : when i have to wake up early tomorrow

really sabotaging myself by writing again, i thought about the possibility of dirk tattooing john the other day and today i drew it and wrote my thoughts too

2) after all of waht happened with jake and the fact thet he tattoed him dirk would have a dreadful feeling about tattooing john and repeating what happened with jake i think he would be really nervous of not changing or feeling like hes doing the same thing and hes stuck in a cycle so he would be very reluctant he would feel like if he did do it john would for sure regret it and then hed feel like shit.
*and leaving a mark on someone else scares him i think he has to try really hard not to succumb to trying to destroy others' souls so i think it would at this point scare him to do something like that to someone else and basically rubbing off on other people and seeing himself in other people scares him and he would be nervous about doing that
3) I dont think john would want ANYTHING tattooed on his body because he would be weirded out by the permanence of it and he doesnt feel like theres anything about him thats enough of a constant for him to want to embed a drawing of it onto himself and not feel stupid abouti t
4) john has never been fond of sharp objects anyway and he wouldnt think its worth the pain

pretty much i dont see it happening cus for me its about trying to NOT embed something on your skin ebcause they have enough scars already. but i drew this for fun and it was fun and i like to imagine it even though it is unlikely to be real in my eyes

hope i come back here to talk more in future occasions, now i have got to get my shit togehter..