Hello! this is the page where i contain most things directly relating to the person i am. while everything on this site is related to me and my insides, i will specifically go here to write "about me". although this page might be under construction for a long time, because as soon as i want to write something about myself i forget, and i also find that every thing i write about tends to not stay on the same topic or theme because i might not stay in the same mode of thought for a long time. but that's also something i found out about myself, so it is totally fitting for this webpage! Haha!
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STATS: |
i am jewish. i non-exclusively identify as a girl, but i dont wish to talk about it here... i dont really care most of the time,
but i am fond of it/its pronouns... i am a patient in psychoanalytic therapy. at the time of writing this i haven;t been to therapy in a month due to my therapist being sick.
(very sad) i try to be funny usually, although thats not my focus when i write this right now. i talk and laugh to myself a lot. i feel like thats a crucial part of being a person.
i have a part time job, currently. it is nice. some days i don't leave my room much when i dont have to. leaving the room is difficult since it feels very
vulnurable and revealing to be outside with-out a shell. that might be why i dont like hot weather, and i love the winter.
while its harder to initiate getting out of your room/bed/house, its easier to be outside once youve already gotten out. there was a time where i identified as a snail, publicly.
i still do, just on the inside.
typology of personalities can be both beneficial and harmful, depending how you think about it in relation to the world, but i believe i'm enneagram type 4w5. with that said,
i try not to think about the enneagram very often, and i dont care about other methods of personality categorization!
generally i dont really like sharing too much about my identity, since i feel it is not yet settled, and having a definition of it written somewhere publicly makes me feel uncomfortable.
i graduated from highschool last year, and i am ambivalent about pursuing higher education. but for now let;s say that if i did, i would study art -- that sounds so stupid to me, ugh!
EDIT1: i am in therapy again, since april 2023. hooray!
i am very easily influenced by the people i interact with. i feel like i shift towards the personality and mannerisms of the person i am talking to.
i don't type consistently; Sometimes i use many commas, sometimes i punctuate properly and use apostrophes, sometimes i don't do any of that...
i find it hard articulating my thoughts. i lean towards avoidance of interaction with people, online or not, out of habit. i get anxious easily.
when talking to new people i quickly jump to the conclusion that i am an embarrassing person to talk to, and that they dont like me, even if they seem to like
talking to me.
when i text people, i often skip the spaces between words - i am not sure exactly why i do this, but there are a number of possible reasonings:
ofcourse this list is not inclusive of all my interests, i will add on to it in the future
i have brown eyes and brown hair. i used to get the bottom half of my hair bleached, and i would always dye it in a different color every time it faded.
i started doing this about three-four years ago, but then stopped after two years and dyed my hair black, entirely. it was fun but i don't think i will be coming back to it very soon,
since for now it is associated with the worst time in my life so far - so mean-while i am trying to stay with my natural grown hair.
i like body-hair, it makes me feel comfortable in my body. i have never shaved my legs, my mom asked me a couple times if i want to do it, when i was 13-14, and i always said no.
i have a round face, people tell me i look like my dad. i have acne + acne scars on my face, and my eyebrows are messy.
as of now i am growing out my hair: i often feel the urge to cut it, shave my head, or modify it in some way, but at least for the near future i will be trying to let it grow out
a little bit, as a part of trying to change my violent tendencies, or, not always act on them. the need to shave my head isn't gone, and i really think i might do it at some point in the future
mainly because i am really curious as to how it will look & feel, but i've discussed this at length with my therapist and i think the best thing i could be doing right now
is letting my hair grow out despite the urges to cut it all off.
i got a haircut a while ago back in November, but it was mostly to style my hair and have it be more "layered" (for lack of a better description).
(obviously i don't think the act of shaving your head is inherently violent, but to me at this point in time it's most likely an expression of violence towards myself)
i can't wear uncomfortable clothes; i don't think that's considered out of the ordinary, but many people do seem to be able to wear things that arent comfortable to sit or stand in.
this is why i usually wear clothes bigger than me, i avoid scratchy material or stuff like overly tight jeans/pants that heavily limits your movement.
overall, my "style" of fashion is trying to be the most comfortable i can: both in terms of physical comfort and mental comfort, i want to be content with the shape my clothes
are creating around me. i enjoy warm clothing and layers, and also sweater-vests.
i shower about 2-3 times a week. sometimes once a week as well. i also struggle to wash my hair a LOT,
so i only get to it around once a week also.
at the time of writing this i havent showered in about 5 days >_<)
i used to always shower when i had school, but sometime in highschool - maybe because of the pandemic and having to stay home for months - i lost that habit.
its really hard for me to shower every day i can never find the time. but i guess i dont try. i also struggle with brushing my teeth a lot, even though my dentist told me my teeth are in
great condition.. i guess theyre pretty strong. i do really try to brush my teeth as often as i can though.
i used to have very bad acne until 12th grade, when i started to apply a cream at night and since then it got somewhat lighter. and like every other hygiene habit, i struggle to do it every
night but i got better at it than how i used to be.
as with disinfecting wounds... i think i was pretty good at it, when i had to do it often; i would have a routine consisting a few steps:
i often think about this topic; i wanted to share my thoughts since it is a dillemma i am dealing with, since i spend a noticable portion of my time online,
and am interested in the on-line world and the internet.
i dont have many friends online, and i dont have many friends in the real world. its very difficult to present myself and let people get to know me in the physical world:
ive struggled with this for years, and by the end of high-school i more or less stopped trying to FORM connections with people, and decided to focus on maintaining the connections
i currently have with the people in my life, and making sure they are healthy and as fulfilling as they can be.
so to put it simply; i am often isolated in the physical world. i have friends who i love, but i dont see them very often. i even have a significant other who i love,
and until very recently we would see each other at least every 2 days, if not every day.
i appreciate my connections greatly, but there is something i often long for; bonding over an interest or a passion for a topic.
the people involved in my life are all unique people with different passions, and while that is wonderful, i cant help but long for the feeling of
being greatly interested in something and feeling like a part of a community of people who ALL love the same topic and fuel each other's passion for it.
that's one thing i lack - that fuel that others induce in me, to be more passionate, to dive deeper into something that interests me.
i am unable to share much of my thoughts about certain topics even with my closest friends, because they just dont share the same passion for it.
being a part of a community is a hugely powerful and exciting experience - and that's why i occasionally think about entering online communities.
page started in january 2023, partially updated since :}
