Notice: This page was written from January-April 2023.
It is a snapshot of my-self from that time - a time capsule of sorts. with that in mind...Enjoy :&

Hello! this is the page where i contain most things directly relating to the person i am. while everything on this site is related to me and my insides, i will specifically go here to write "about me". although this page might be under construction for a long time, because as soon as i want to write something about myself i forget, and i also find that every thing i write about tends to not stay on the same topic or theme because i might not stay in the same mode of thought for a long time. but that's also something i found out about myself, so it is totally fitting for this webpage! Haha!


height: 165centimeters.
blood type: O+.
sign: gemini.
shape: humanoid.

known skill: never overcooks eggs.
love: clear skies.
hate: loud noise.
weakness: prone to RSI.
drinking: the blood of my enemies, and tea.
eating: corn flakes

facts about me:

i am jewish. i non-exclusively identify as a girl, but i dont wish to talk about it here... i dont really care most of the time, but i am fond of it/its pronouns... i am a patient in psychoanalytic therapy. at the time of writing this i haven;t been to therapy in a month due to my therapist being sick. (very sad) i try to be funny usually, although thats not my focus when i write this right now. i talk and laugh to myself a lot. i feel like thats a crucial part of being a person. i have a part time job, currently. it is nice. some days i don't leave my room much when i dont have to. leaving the room is difficult since it feels very vulnurable and revealing to be outside with-out a shell. that might be why i dont like hot weather, and i love the winter. while its harder to initiate getting out of your room/bed/house, its easier to be outside once youve already gotten out. there was a time where i identified as a snail, publicly. i still do, just on the inside.
typology of personalities can be both beneficial and harmful, depending how you think about it in relation to the world, but i believe i'm enneagram type 4w5. with that said, i try not to think about the enneagram very often, and i dont care about other methods of personality categorization! generally i dont really like sharing too much about my identity, since i feel it is not yet settled, and having a definition of it written somewhere publicly makes me feel uncomfortable. i graduated from highschool last year, and i am ambivalent about pursuing higher education. but for now let;s say that if i did, i would study art -- that sounds so stupid to me, ugh!

EDIT1: i am in therapy again, since april 2023. hooray!

i am very easily influenced by the people i interact with. i feel like i shift towards the personality and mannerisms of the person i am talking to. i don't type consistently; Sometimes i use many commas, sometimes i punctuate properly and use apostrophes, sometimes i don't do any of that... i find it hard articulating my thoughts. i lean towards avoidance of interaction with people, online or not, out of habit. i get anxious easily. when talking to new people i quickly jump to the conclusion that i am an embarrassing person to talk to, and that they dont like me, even if they seem to like talking to me. when i text people, i often skip the spaces between words - i am not sure exactly why i do this, but there are a number of possible reasonings:

  1. its easier and quicker for me to not worry about spacing each word correctly
  2. it comes across to me and to others as less formal, and i want to not feel stressed when talking to people so i do this to calm myself down
  3. it feels to me more like we are speaking, and i sometimes mash words together when talking quickly and not carefully
moving on, my computer runs the OS windows 8.1 and i hate it. although i am fond of it at the same time... it crashes frequently. my computer is from 2015. i am very anxious about losing all of my data, especially digital art. i have a flash drive with a back-up but if my computer dies i will be really sad. i want to migrate to linux, but am too lazy to learn how to manage it. i guess i like to code and make this website, but i can only concentrate properly at 3AM (the time of writing this).

EDIT2: i have installed linux mint xfce and that is now my primary OS. i saw no point in getting rid of the windows 8.1 boot so i have them both, but i use linux for the most part. hooray!

i feel my mind shifting to thinking about my interests and likes, so i will write about that now.

my interests

ofcourse this list is not inclusive of all my interests, i will add on to it in the future

my appearance

i have brown eyes and brown hair. i used to get the bottom half of my hair bleached, and i would always dye it in a different color every time it faded. i started doing this about three-four years ago, but then stopped after two years and dyed my hair black, entirely. it was fun but i don't think i will be coming back to it very soon, since for now it is associated with the worst time in my life so far - so mean-while i am trying to stay with my natural grown hair.
i like body-hair, it makes me feel comfortable in my body. i have never shaved my legs, my mom asked me a couple times if i want to do it, when i was 13-14, and i always said no. i have a round face, people tell me i look like my dad. i have acne + acne scars on my face, and my eyebrows are messy.

as of now i am growing out my hair: i often feel the urge to cut it, shave my head, or modify it in some way, but at least for the near future i will be trying to let it grow out a little bit, as a part of trying to change my violent tendencies, or, not always act on them. the need to shave my head isn't gone, and i really think i might do it at some point in the future mainly because i am really curious as to how it will look & feel, but i've discussed this at length with my therapist and i think the best thing i could be doing right now is letting my hair grow out despite the urges to cut it all off.
i got a haircut a while ago back in November, but it was mostly to style my hair and have it be more "layered" (for lack of a better description). (obviously i don't think the act of shaving your head is inherently violent, but to me at this point in time it's most likely an expression of violence towards myself)

i can't wear uncomfortable clothes; i don't think that's considered out of the ordinary, but many people do seem to be able to wear things that arent comfortable to sit or stand in. this is why i usually wear clothes bigger than me, i avoid scratchy material or stuff like overly tight jeans/pants that heavily limits your movement. overall, my "style" of fashion is trying to be the most comfortable i can: both in terms of physical comfort and mental comfort, i want to be content with the shape my clothes are creating around me. i enjoy warm clothing and layers, and also sweater-vests.


i shower about 2-3 times a week. sometimes once a week as well. i also struggle to wash my hair a LOT, so i only get to it around once a week also. at the time of writing this i havent showered in about 5 days >_<)
i used to always shower when i had school, but sometime in highschool - maybe because of the pandemic and having to stay home for months - i lost that habit.
its really hard for me to shower every day i can never find the time. but i guess i dont try. i also struggle with brushing my teeth a lot, even though my dentist told me my teeth are in great condition.. i guess theyre pretty strong. i do really try to brush my teeth as often as i can though.
i used to have very bad acne until 12th grade, when i started to apply a cream at night and since then it got somewhat lighter. and like every other hygiene habit, i struggle to do it every night but i got better at it than how i used to be.
as with disinfecting wounds... i think i was pretty good at it, when i had to do it often; i would have a routine consisting a few steps:

  1. wash the wound, with water and sometimes soap
  2. wipe with clean towel or paper towel, and wait until complete dry
  3. wipe wound with alcohol prep pad i used to keep in my room (this was sometimes my #1 step, if i didn't want to leavemy room)
  4. apply a disinfecting cream, repeat this step 1-2 times a day when i can, skin has to be clean for this.
but sometimes i wouldnt do this at all.. just the first few steps, and then i wouldnt shower or wash any part of my skin for a couple days. and when i was at school i didn't have alcohol pads or anything like that, so i just washed the wound in the school bathroom sink when the room was empty. sometimes it wasnt empty though, like one time, and i didnt clean it or nothing i just went out to the garden which was usually empty (thankfully), and when i pulled up my sleeve blood was smeared >_< this is getting gory! though; that WAS pretty unhygienic of me, so it;s relevant i guess, in a way

about connections in the on-line area

i often think about this topic; i wanted to share my thoughts since it is a dillemma i am dealing with, since i spend a noticable portion of my time online, and am interested in the on-line world and the internet.
i dont have many friends online, and i dont have many friends in the real world. its very difficult to present myself and let people get to know me in the physical world: ive struggled with this for years, and by the end of high-school i more or less stopped trying to FORM connections with people, and decided to focus on maintaining the connections i currently have with the people in my life, and making sure they are healthy and as fulfilling as they can be. so to put it simply; i am often isolated in the physical world. i have friends who i love, but i dont see them very often. i even have a significant other who i love, and until very recently we would see each other at least every 2 days, if not every day.
i appreciate my connections greatly, but there is something i often long for; bonding over an interest or a passion for a topic. the people involved in my life are all unique people with different passions, and while that is wonderful, i cant help but long for the feeling of being greatly interested in something and feeling like a part of a community of people who ALL love the same topic and fuel each other's passion for it. that's one thing i lack - that fuel that others induce in me, to be more passionate, to dive deeper into something that interests me. i am unable to share much of my thoughts about certain topics even with my closest friends, because they just dont share the same passion for it. being a part of a community is a hugely powerful and exciting experience - and that's why i occasionally think about entering online communities.

once you consider the internet, belonging to a community of people who are passionate about the same thing(s) as you becomes within arm's reach. as i've stated before, i am very easily and heavily influenced by other people. so i KNOW talking and forming connections with others online will fuel my passion to create and inspire me. it will light a fire in me in a way. and it has happened before, that's why i miss it so badly - but in a way i feel that pursuing those possible online connections might further keep me from opening up to the real, physical world.
in past years, whenever i started forming a really close relationship with someone i could at best video-call with, and at worst never hear their voice or see their face at all, that was the most disconnected i had ever been from reality. it scares me, to go back to that. i know very well it doesn't have to be like that at all, but i cant trust myself at all. forming connections, whether on-line or off-line, consumes a lot of energy. if i put this much effort into getting myself "out there" and getting to know people in the on-line space who share my views, thoughts, or interests, i might just not have nearly enough energy to even try to go out to the real-world, and it'll become an even bigger struggle than what it is. i fear that trying to form online connections will hinder my progress of becoming an integrated part of the reality surrounding me, so i am very reluctant while interacting on-line...
but there are many people i've met on the internet who i love talking to, as much as i can considering what i've just said. :-> so ireally dont know...!

page started in january 2023, partially updated since :}