This page contains (mostly) unfiltered thoughts and can get "dark" and "scary", though not exclusively.......... Reader Discretion is Advised! Clik 2go back vvv

may 3rd, 2024

i;'m trying to change how i choose what i do and how to act.
my habit is indulging in something if it is "enjoyable" or "pleasant", and avoiding something if it gives me the feeling that it 's "unpleasant".

today i did something on purpose-something i know triggers the word "unpleasant" over and over again in my mind, calling for help for me to stop, and i yelled at myself (internally) that it's pleasant.

this is something good and i want to change the habit of seeeing it as unpleasant. i dont think i should determine what i do or not do by how "pleasant" or "comfortable" it is for me, for maybe these urges to be pleasant and comfortable lead me to complete inaction and passivity, because * acting * is uncomfortable, * change * is unpleasant.

sometimes i mix up what is good and what's bad. sometimes some destructive behavious will be appealing and seem "pleasant" to me while some other activity that's creative or enjoyable, or a healthy direction in my life, will seem "unpleasant", so much so that i won't even be able to imagine myself doing it, i will repeat in my head that' it's the worst thing that i never, ever want to have to do. i never want to have to do that. i never want to have to do that.

knowingly deciding what is healthy and then treating the "unpleasant" feeling as just my mind refusing the change, refusing the rebirth, is sane. it's good creation.

april 25th, 2024

today i walked behind two old ladies who had their arms intertwined and their steps in perfect sync. i want that syncronization with somebody. i want a sister. it was...beautiful, i teared up.

it was the culmination of together.

april 16th, 2024

january 26th, 2024

i know so little,iknow nothing. i feel like a new-born baby... an animal without wisdom- only weightless thought.

in my dream i fell in love with somebody, someone entirely new to me, though i knew him only through questions i asked him in a sort of interrogation/interview, and not by mutually knowing each other-going into one another, it was creation: but creation of void.

at the end of the dream he asked me,
"am i too pretty?"
and i said no. i told him how scared i am being in a process of Knowing someone - - i feel that i know how everything will play out, that i will start to hate him, that i will hurt him, because i am terrible. but at least being able to admit you are scared, at least then you are showing yourself in a way. but in reality, i am so paralyzed infront of other people, that i never even admit i am scared. i never let my "self" show,only a hard outer shell that seems empty.

then he asked me, "how do you feel about me?"
i said, "I like you."
i really want to keep pushing myself to create. i always want to create more- in quantity and in frequency. i am always frustrated with myself. also , my paintings usually have to be bloody in one way or another, else i am not satisfied.

here's a list of ways i wish to create:
  1. video art,filming video footage, compiling videos from footage/audio clips
  2. painting,big paintings
  3. performance
  4. taking pictures
  5. making clothing,sewing,printing on cloths, painting on clothes.
  6. making jewelry,necklaces,from beads
  7. scuplting,polymer clay, clay,(ceramics), wire
  8. collage,scrapbook
  9. crocheting,knitting,embroidery
  10. writing
  11. screenprinting, woodblock prints
  12. comics
  13. my web site, web=adventures.
  14. my characters, telling stories
  15. making picture books
  16. video game,design,coding
  17. music:playing instruments,electronic music
  18. animation,stopmotion,paper,digital

january 6th, 2024

happy new year,time for my entry. my shoulder hurts, nothing new.
my body hurts in general because i don't move.

I watched Fight Club today. i also have been listening to very well known influencial rock bands as a mind game on myself to make myself like music once again, because my favorite band as a teenager clearly took inspiration from more iconic bands that came before it and really shaped the genre, and almost all i am not as familiar with as i'd like to be. and i feel i should be,given they planted the seeds to what would later become my favorite songs/albums. So that's what i'm subjecting myself to, every bus ride to+from work.

except on rainy days, on which i don't take my headphones with me.

december 16th, 2023

been a while since i wrote inmy diary thats cus i'm busy, and i don't want to share my thoughts in this plain way, but ive just read past entries and felt like updating it. war is awful, it's awful that we have to keep living through it, too. but we do.
my volunteering work is taking all of my energy so i'm left an empty shell and i have to keep a moderately strict sleep schedule in order to function (waking up at 6:30 everyday)

but i love my web site. i want to always work on it and further expand its mind and the labyrinths within, the adventers. Its such a bottomless pit that i almost cant resist getting sucked into it. and still i manage- but there's always something else i want to create.

I haven't been painting much and i'm feeling fairly guilty about it, one of the reasons being i want to get into art school maybe next year and i need a portfolio but i'm not working on paintings, just on my web site and also knitting.

hanukkah was nice, but it didn't feel as significant as always : the air is thick with death... Hanukkah is about that though, about living through war, and living through the worst catastrophes, about surviving, finding Light when it's unlikely to last. So that's pretty much how i've been lately.

october 11th, 2023

the days are going by so quickly and all i can think of is this war and how rotten this is, and how unfortunate it is to be born here because you are born into an infinite death loop thats inescapable and everyone you try to talk to will look at you and do nothing, and think nothing of it. even those who claim to stand with one side or another, nobody does anything. this is incurable. i feel it in my veins.

october 10th, 2023

i haven't writtem a virtual diary entry in a while; not going to lie, i've been invested in working (national service) 8AM-4PM at a school for children/people with severe disabilities and it's keeping me busy. the teachers and caregivers are all friendly & the students are so wonderful I love them so much, i like waking up early in a way, but so far this week the schools been closed, because of the war, so now it's pretty late and i'm still not going to sleep/ things are pretty bad here right now

i dont feel like i can write down my thoughts very well, its a lot of despair surrounding everything,and being sick of everything that happens, feeling nauseous, not leaving the house and not moving around, being afraid for everyone i know, being afraid for everyone i dont know, sick of hearing extremely violent opinions, sickness to my stomach- i'm disgusted that i'm over here in my safe home and today i ate a nice breakfast while so many people are dying outside. so through the despair and lack of structure for my day to day, i go to sleep later and later and i still wake up before 7AM cus i'm restless and used to it
and im worried for my brother i'm worried for everyone here and there
things are bad and it's pure pain to keep living in this world,like this

i dreamed 2 nights ago i took the bus to a village and on the way there i saw a horse and a bear fighting on the side of the road- the bear was gripping the horse keeping it from escaping and the bear had taken a bite from the horse's flesh, it was an open wound on the horse's back- and the horse escaped or tried to. i was surprised to see them

august 27th, 2023

august has been okay, mostly. i travelled to london with my boyfriend, we were there for 4 days for a saetia show. maybe i'll make a blog post separately for that sometime soon.

i had a weird, sickening, encounter with a kid today. i was walking home with my headphones on when i saw a kid, probably 11-12 years old, looking at me and turning in my direction, and then i heard somebody call "girl!" from beyond my headphones (the word he used was the word for a small girl, not an adult. which fits because i dont look like a 19-year-old girl, since i do not present very femininely). anyway, i took off my headphones and turned to face him, to see what he wanted. he takes a look at my legs, and says "why do you not shave?" im a bit stunned so i say what? and he repeats the question, like that is a totally legitimate question to ask a stranger on the street. i cant find the words to say much, but i manage to answer "because i think its nice". he then asked to record me, to which i said no, turned back around and kept walking home.

it happened when i was already really close to home, but as i kept walking i started feeling a sharp rage flood my entire being. i cant say one reason for certain why it made me feel the way that it did, but i am pretty sure the fact that he asked to record me did not help. i have been recorded no matter what he did or didnt do and i cant control it or take it away or destroy it. once i spoke the things i said are not mine anymore, nor is my identity and my choice to present myself the way that i do, nor is my body. i wouldnt be able to guess why that kid saw someone walking on the street and decided to stop them and ask them this intrusive question about the way they tend to their body, and why that person had to be me, but it sure did happen. just before it happened i was thinking about my hairy legs and about the fact that i am not used to being too heavily criticised about my choice not to shave my legs, as someone who's perceived by most as "a girl".

one part of me wants to say that i'm past overthinking about how other people see me and my gender identity and how it connects to that, because i have realized no happiness or satisfaction or peace comes from overthinking and trying to apply a definition onto it. and it's true, that i've been considerably less bothered by it since i've just decided consciously that i wont define myself, and i wont stack any hidden or additional meanings or implications onto words that do not necessarily have an inherent meaning for me, in order to be more at peace and to be able to function in a society and environment mostly comprised of cis-hetero people, or otherwise people who constantly seek a "definition" for some-thing or some-one, even if they are gay or trans. but still something panicked in me when the kid asked me about my never-been-shaved legs, something in me got so incredibly scared and needed to run away as quickly as possible. and it wasn't the part that was "over" paying attention to how im perceived. obviously there is no way for me to really be seen as myself in that situation since i would assume that boy can only see people on the street as "boy" or "girl", "man" or "woman", and though i hate being put inside any of these boxes that exist in people's consciousness, i can't and won't be put into the "man" box. and it makes me want to cry and destroy something from within and rip it to shreds when i know that i'm bound to be always grouped with "girls" and "women" by others and by the system, my entire life, i must take some comfort in my ability to make the people who are dear to me see me as Myself, and not as a part of some binary.

i have already realized i cannot make my complex gender identity (if it is even tangible as a concept) clear and understood to every single person in existence, because i cant control minds. all i can do is present however is most comfortable for me and focus on being myself outside of "gender norms" with no regard to the minds of strangers, but when im faced with a question like "why do you not shave your legs" it still stings, like a needle. it stings because i can;t explain my inner machinations to this kid who sees me as some weird joke, and i cant lash at him for asking me this. i can say "its none of your business" but that would not erase the thought that has already surfaced. the thought being: This person sees me as a Girl or Woman.Therefore they think it's Abnormal of me to not confirm to gender norms of a gender i already feel alienated from. They see it as Abnormal because they see me as that gender. And i Hate it...I hate it.
I hate it.
Ihate it.
I hate it.
I hate it...

august 3rd, 2023

online attention is addictive but it makes me paranoid for exactly that reason; i feel okay more or less putting this information on my diary on my website but maybe i shouldnt.
if you respond to people's inquiries they will continue to communicate with you online but it is so faceless and metaphysical, it doesn't feel like a connection in the least. it feels unsafe and insane. i don't feel like i should develop any connection online because it is so detatched from reality and has no effect on your environment and your physical life. And the worst part, is when it does start to have that influence despite the connection being purely online,without being exposed to any human qualities of the other being. it feels like a computer program,and you won't be able to ever prove that it wasn't, despite the immense and negative influence it's had on your life. it feels like you are a test subject.

i just woke up, and i'm already at my computer. i checked tumblr 30 seconds within gaining consciousness today. i dont want to feel like a test subject, and i don't want to feel like infinite programs are testing me trying to connect to me. i get paranoid if i receive an anonymous ask on tumblr, because it mostly seems like someone wan'ts to get into my head and wants me to spill my guts. i'm scared of someone specific contacting me, but i feel like if i write this here and it stays online, it will only tempt that person to contact me through anonymous means. and yet, i don't turn off anonymous asks on that tumblr blog because i'm addicted to being observed. it's a dangerous yet drugging feeling of affection and infatuation, by strange entities that i have no relation nor any influence on. i woke up with this feeling, yet all i could do is turn my computer on and check tumblr.

my 2 year anniversary with my boyfriend is tomorrow; i want to create something,something physical, but i haven't been able to bring my self to do it. i'm angry at myself and i don't want to disappoint, i feel so detatched from the physical world and it is a numb feeling.

july 4th, 2023

lately my hair has been getting long, at least for me. i hadnt had hair longer than barely-shoulder length in maybe 6 years? and it is getting there now lol. it annoys me that i have long hair mainly because it requires more of my attention; i need to wash it more often and brush it afterwards; i need to tie it up at work and other times when i am too hot or when i shower, or really anytime where i dont want it to bother me. but on the other hand, i feel open to this challenge, it feels like a good learning experience to live with long hair while resisting the urge to cut it. its difficult, and sometimes inconvenient, but i feel like its important for me right now, to learn to let it grow.

this might not make much sense to anybody other than me but i accept it; together with the rising urge in me to cut it shorter;cut my own hair;shave it off; i want to see where it takes me.

still; i imagine how i would look with a short hair-cut that fits me; i had gotten one that i liked once almost 3 years ago and i remember i truly enjoyed it. i want to go back to that, and i really might, but still like i mentioned i get this feeling that i should persevere and not cut my hair just yet. short hair is more comfortable for me and my regular life-style as i dont have to pay much attention to caring to my hair, no need for any product on it other than the regular shampoo and conditioner/hairmask..
..but again, the challenge fits me at this time.

hair is some really great thing you can have,alwauys modifiable, its fun to think of all the options and how many times it will change throughout your life... i welcome this period as one of longer hair, albeit difficult to manage and also not weather-appropriate at all T_T. i think i am doing alright today, overall.

june 28th, 2023

i have some traits in me that i find repulsive and i feel others dont deserve to be exposed to them so i dont expose myself..
positive traits go along with negative traits, they arent really positive and negative anyway, those are just terms used to decide if something is convenient for other people or not.
and still i am scared to risk showing anything unpleasant about me, really. showing and discussing it in my art is not the same as letting people be truly exposed to it.

i find it so repulsive, that i cannot even risk being exposed to it myself so connecting with others and facing any feelings i have that i dont know how to deal with healthily becomes impossible.

either way, i keep going. happy tau day! i wished my friend a happy tau day and we chatted a bit... it was really good. these moments remind me how connection is a good thing, albeit overwhelming and scary. listen to this song about tau, it made me cry tears of joy when i first listened to it a couple months ago.

june 23rd, 2023

i just came home from a highschool meet-up for getting the highschool graduation certificate..or something like that. i was debating whether i should go or not, since my boyfriend didnt go, and it has been a year since i finished highschool, and i left many memories behind at that place; though i still carry a lot of weight from it with me. however after feeling like shit about it yesterday and crying a bit at work, i woke up today and decided to go.
i was very anxious pretty much the entire time although it peaked at the beginning when everyone gathered together and proceeded to have small talk with their acquaintances. there are many people i went to highschool with that i didnt exactly finish things on good terms with, or any terms at all... some people i think about and i still feel a pang of shame or frustration, or guilt, in my lungs.
so going there was stressful. though i know that actually getting myself to go there was the hardest part.

its strange, seeing someone you sometimes think about but never talk to in your day-to-day. some i am more comfortable with, some not at all.
i was talking to one of my friends and another girl i used to be really close with once, and this one person i had a very strange relationship with came up to us and nonchalantly hugged the girl i was talking to, and then stood next to us and said hi... i looked at him, i dont know if i said hi. he said, "long hair really fits you". i said thank you. then none of us said anything so he left pretty quickly to go talk to other people. everything i thought about pretty much died in my throat, like i was drowning..? and anyway, i didnt want him to stay any longer, because i didnt want to revisit my feelings from 11th grade, when i used to talk to him from time to time.i was scared.

i did manage to talk in a non-hostile way to a friend i used to have and had to cut off at some point, which is a pretty neat achievement, since there have been times when i was invited by my friends to some gathering that he was, too, invited to, and i just couldnt because i knew seeing him would trigger really terrible violence in me.

overall i feel okay now. im glad that its over, but im glad that it happened too.

june 13th, 2023

my birthday is in two days - thats nice.

ive been using the computer a lot lately and my wrists hurt consequently. im writing this at 13:55 but i went to sleep today at around 7-8 AM, then woke up at 11something AM, and decided to get up and get on with my day.
being gravely sleep deprived is sort of like taking drugs- not that i have ever tried taking drugs, i only get drunk occasionally. but my point stands; because it is an experience that affects your sense of the world around you and does not affect others outside of yourself that are not sleep deprived. it feels a bit like being drunk and having a hangover at the same time, and its a way to differentiate yourself from the environment. which is mostly what i've been doing. i am not nocturnal for no reason at all, i like being awake when the rest are asleep and being asleep or at home when evr=yone is going to work.
and that presents a problem i have todeal with because,i want to start national service in september which would require me to conform to the general public's schedule, more or less. i wont be able to do work at night, it'll mostly be something like a 9-5/8-4.

other than that, ive been re-reading homestuck. im about to reach dirk's introduction, which is exciting for me given he is a part of my identity. i wonder how exactly my perception on him will morph in this second reading.

meanwhile, as i take my time and set up more pages on this web site, have this drawing i drew of him last night, or, morning.

may 24th, 2023

lately i feel unable to get things done - i have multiple things i would like to do in a time frame in my head, but then i start thinking about not being able to do everything and i get so frustrated and conflicted i put off every single thing and then i end up not doing anything out of the list.

also i am denying myself of interaction with people and trying to build relationships. maybe naturally i would try to do it but currently i am denying myself of it purposefully. i think i always have the inner voice telling me to, but now i have accepted it as the primary leading voice that tells me what to do. if that is even an actual element in my thoughts.
at least for the time being, that's what i've decided. if anybody goes above and beyond trying to befriend me (somehow, in an imaginary world), i won't consciously resist it; though i might seem uninterested. but the reality beneath it is i long for connection, more than anything. more than anything. but it pulls the trigger to some overwhelming emotions, so i have a tendency to tell myself to avoid it.

i know, though, that if i don't try to build a relationship, then no one-sided connection will last in the outside world. (un)fortunately nobody is trying to form a connection with me desperately; the ones who try are very subtle about it, because they too are afraid of being rejected, just like me.

it might seem like a masochistic act, to deny yourself of something basic like Human interaction. but the reality is way less dramatic than this poetry i'm writing. my day to day is normal. i'm in a romantic relationship with someone. i talk to the people who live with me every day, and i talk to my co-workers too, normally. its just that i deny myself the act of expanding my connections- i won't ask a co-worker to meet after work, and i won't reach out to any old friend anymore.

i'm open to change, if and When i will change my mind about this... But this is just my mindset for the time being.

may 8th, 2023

feeling quite sadistic today, i know why...
i have a need to be self deprecating im also pretty lonely, wishing i could make friends
but i really doubt that its possible.

also feeling like i only manage (or have managed) to connect to sadistic violent people in my life, except for one girl but she doesnt want to talk to me anymore, not really. we've grown very distant, and ive offered to meet with her many times but she always seems to "forget" about responding for a week or so. i think the last time i texted her, she just didnt respond at all, or something like that. i feel like im too sadistic to be able to befriend nice, friendly people .. or something like that.
it only makes sense if i elaborate about frendships ive had, but i dont want to do that. i really just miss making friends having nice people around, thats all

i tend to reach out when im at the peak of some loneliness wave, but then i run away again and they dont hear from me again for a while

april 24th, 2023

am i really supposed to keep going like this?

i have a really bad view on the people around me, i see them as selfish, almost as if they wouldn't feel anything, if i were to die

today my therapist told me not to take things my friends do to heart , because they probably werent thinking at all about how their actions would affect me..
if i learn that my friends are not considerate of me, it would bring me peace..
what kind of fucked up world is that?...
really, what kind of fucked up world is that?

april 15th, 2023

my stomack herts..Fuck i wish i will spend time out side today i am relly alone and my skin feels unpleasant
but this passivity is not the way to go no no ... no.. I can make myself ffeel more pleasant by going through inside the unpleasant ness. Going inside the cloud of pain to reach the infitine light i need to go inside -> i need to go outside to teh world with the unpleasantness because of unpleasantnessi need to seek pain inorder to grow
enough beingin my room i need to Leavv this and take CARE of myself to grow, food, water, sunshine, we are like plants, absorbing the environment, cleaning my room partly, is not neough, not providing for myself, i should provde. i should be the enlightened i am lookign up to.

My manifestation of growing through care


april 11th, 2023

I first listened to this song-while rreading oyasumi punpun,and i thought it fits well..
i also listened to this song after a day at school,at the beginning of 12th grade it was the first time i hadcut myself at school; it was in math class, right before the class started. then in math class i did talk to the guy sitting one row ahead of me, i used to be in love with him and he kept referring to me in male form, which made me feel strange,really i used male form to refer to myself occasionally back then but never infront of that guy, but he still did. i later heard him using that form for girls in my class so i guess it was nothing, but it meant something to me

now the sensation of my body is really repulsive. i want to crawl out ofmy skin. i need to take off my nail polish, i genuinely hate having nail polish on my nails. im not sure why i put it on in the first place.
i wanted to feel good outwardly, colorful, be ornate? be feminine? but now i want to destroy it all.
i deleted my instagram account as a way of communicating to myself that i feel like killing myself
i think i will go back to psychoanalysis soon, it doesnt really make sense that i would force myself to not come to therapy as often as i used to, now that my therapist is back. i feel funny after meetings i feel like im being called out for some terrible thing im doing to my self and to everyone around me and that im on the wrong path

ive had a lot of self destructive thoughts today, wanting to kill my soul, wanting to take drugs
im trying to understand why i need 3 meetings with my therapist a week in order to live out my life while other people dont need that, i cant really find any answer other than .."thats just me"
i think its a type 4 pattern to keep looking for the thing that makes me feel so distant from others,so lacking

march 26/7th, 2023

i wanted to buy a blade today to sharpen pencils in a better way, but i decided to wait with it because its too close to my thought about buying a new box-cutter after losing my old one i used to cut myself with.
i also wanted to take the time writing this to appreciate small moments with friends, connections, people, pain, more connections.
  • my boyfriend started hummming my favorite song from an album we both love, before telling him its my favorite song. he just knew~
  • talking to my friend about something and feeling like i can clearly express something i wanted to say, and i successfully turned it into speech
  • going to the mall with friends, not feeling great but not awful either, just being, going to the art store, feeling less pressure because im not alone
  • talking to someone distant about something and feeling understood by them, even though you struggle with connecting
  • my friend calling me and asking if i am okay, i was okay, but there was no hesitation
  • i wanted to hang up abru[pt]ly on my boyfriend, and i stopped and tried explaining myself, he understood and he made sure i knew itwas okay, i said thank you and he thanked me too

moreover i installed linux Mint (dual booting alongside my old windows 8 hahaha..) and its difficult and annoying but its also quiet and fast and i love it, im not entirely sure whati want to do with it i want to keep it clean though, i dont really want to install spotify or discord, i want it to be a work environment, where i can focus, and for it to feel like a clean desk, with windows having all my old junk and stuff. the wonders of dual booting... its a learning experience.

on a different topic, i wish to have someone to learn HTML with and code with. i think feeling connection with someone else through coding and learning together would be nice.

march 25th, 2023

today im not feeling particularly good or bad, i was searching for the box-cutter i keep in my middle desk drawer, just to see it, but it wasn't there.
the thing is i just cant remember for the life of me if i took it out and put it elsewhere in the house and never put it back or if my mom or something took it and put it elsewhere out of worry.
i dont care particularly about the part of my mom seeing it there, because she knows i used to cut myself regularly, and its not something ive never talked to her about, its just that im bothered that she opened that drawer and took it out of there. that was mine, i dont really like the thought of someone taking something out of my personal drawer without asking. but, its funny, i really dont remember if it was me who took it out and forgot about it, or if it was someone else.
it was very cheap, but it got the job done, and i also used it for crafts like when i needed to cut paper very precisely. so it really wouldnt be much of a problem for me to just get another one. really this is just about the feeling that it provokes in me to know that the box-cutter is not there now, even though i have always been pretty careful about placing it back in its place. it really bothers me that its not there now honestly and see, it kind of makes me want to buy a new one out of spite for having lost it..........aughh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

march 9th, 2023

i;m sick again;
i rarely get sick more than once a year but i suppose it makes sense i would be sick now.
started this week by working 3 days in a row, though i worked on saturday too so its actually 4 days - i worked one shift of 9 hours on monday, which is way too much - night shifts are supposed to be around 7 hours. on tuesday i worked less hours, but i came home at 2am, because there are more people out due to holiday and we closed at a later time. then i had to wake up early on wednesday because my friend and i were going to a convention together - which was supposed to be fun and exciting but i did not want to leave the house that day because i had already exhausted myself with work.
nonetheless i dismissed my exhaustion and went out in cosplay, took an apple with me and ate only 1/4 of it on the train. when we wanted to eat lunch at the convention the only options were nuggets + fries, or hotdogs. im vegetarian though, so there was nothing for me to eat. i ordered nuggets and fries but ate only the crust of the nuggets and the fries, and it was pretty disgusting. the next time i really ate something was when i got home in the evening, so basically; i barely got any rest and i did not eat anything nutritious until the evening. that was yesterday, and i started to feel sick at night... i could barely sleep and this morning i felt so awful i wanted to die..
the absurd thing is i kind of wished for this to happen, because i just needed a break. i was supposed to work 5 shifts this week even though i said i want to work 4 shifts a week at maximum, and i was definitely past my limit already, so the only thing that could have saved me from this situation was to become sick.

thinking back to around 2 years ago, the changing of the seasons from winter-spring-summer does affect your immune system, especially if youre not taking good care of yourself.
2 years ago was the first time in my life i truly was horrified with the reality i was living in every day, i wanted to die really bad. i was constantly thinking about hurting myself. i did not know how to contain any of the shit i was going through at the time.. and then, i got sick; i could barely speak for 2-3 days and the funniest thing is i kept going to school even when i was sick, until i really couldnt go at all because i was feeling too bad. it all just made perfect sense to me at the time, that i would get sick exactly at that time period. that was only the beginning of what was to come but, it just fit into the story perfectly that i would get sick then.
same thing as im going through right now, just that now im not completely drowning in the horrors

march 2nd, 2023

hello... it's been a while since i updated my website because, well, my computer died and it took a while for me to fix it and get it back.
it was nothing unusual its just that the OS and battery connection/charger (not sure which is bad) are kind of failing and the computer will sometimes crash while im doing something. ._.
other than that im ok, thought about switching to linux but im gonna wait until i have to, even though thats unwise. its getting hot outside already, which sucks because this time of the year is the time i get headaches most frequently - right after winter when it gets warm and sweaty. its really hot in my room right now i should go open the windows!

done ^_^. i hope to continue building the website where i left off and start actually uploading my art onto here and keep making new art. i want to go to art school in two years it feels clearer now. i feel like i am making some kind of progress, and i am okay with it taking time and feeling very slow sometimes. i just need to remember to keep going as much as i can.

okay, that's it for now. i hope to create new web pages i've been planning in my mind for a long time now. i had an amazing breakfast today. <3

january 30th , 2023

it has been 2 years minus 1 day since i moved into my old house and consequently the worst couple of months in my life had started

today i feel like writing a script of the last couple of days:
so last thursday my mom went on a vacation so i was home alone for 3-4 days, i enjoyed myself truthfully; i went to buy groceries which is something i really like doing, i started watching a lot of TV, so much so that it has become the only thing i'm motivated to do,
on friday my dad came over and we had dinner togehter, it was fun, i made my boyfriend macaroni and cheese.
on saturday i spent time with my boyfriend, i made really a good breakfast because i was very excited about having bananas + strawberries + blueberries all at the same time in my house so i was eager to use them. saturday was good and relaxing and i felt like i have got it together until i came to work, then i felt very anxious and could not focus on talking to co-workers, and then i received a voice message from my therapist, saying she is still sick but she can talk with me on the phone if i'd like, and also that she would like to hear how i;m doing.
this made me more anxious and i didn't want to respond.
work gradually got better after a couple hours into the shift, and they let me leave early.
yesterday (sunday) i watched TV for most of my free time, and took a break to walk my dog. it was a nice day yesterday and the world seemed very friendly and beautiful to me.

i picked up a piece of wood someone threw out to the street together with some other old toys, and the piece of wood looked like a kid had made it, it had stickers and drawings on it, but the weirdest thing was that it had my name written on it in hebrew.
piece of wood with my name on it
i couldnt have seen it, it was inside of a bag on the street along with some other things and i easily could have missed it, but somehow i reached for that piece of wood specifically and it had my name on it, the name i was born with.
i took it home with me; later i went to the library to return some books and decided to walk along the book shelves... i picked out a book that intrigued me - though i couldnt even see the cover, only the very side of the book, among the thousands of other books, and when i looked at it i knew i had to borrow it. it had the kabbalist tree of life on it and seemed to discuss manners of self destruction. i thought to myself, how on earth could this be the book that i picked out by spontaneously walking among the bookshelves, not even sorted by genre or subject but by alphabetical order. it was also really short which i liked, so i have it with me now. it is a very difficult book... but i feel entranced by having found it.

when i came back from work yesterday it was 1AM, and i decided to watch more TV until 4AM instead of sleeping. i woke up today at 9, and i've mostly looked at screens so far. i am startled by noises from outside and i dont feel capable of ever forming a connection with another person in my life. i still havent responded to my therapist, and to be honest i dont think i want to speak on the phone. i feel as if whenever i talk to somebody, every cell in my body tells me to stop.

january 21th , 2023

i left the house for a short while today for a walk with my boyfriend., and i am also not feeling sick anymore, but i am feeling horrible right now and at some points through out the day i cant stop coughing because my throat is still sore
and i can;t leave my room there is a barrier
i cant leave my room
there isa barrier
people are also coming to my house and it will not help me come out
i need to shut myself in and lock the door
and this feeling has gotten more frequent since my therapist got sick and i never allow myself to write her so i have to do every thing in my power to somehow substitute the very intense treatment i am usually in while she's gone but i do not allow myself to write her anything. i tried to ask her how she is doing adn oh god the footsteps
i always think my mom is going to enter my rooom and try toconvince me to come out so i should lock the door to be less anxious but then i am only shutting myself deeper inside and lessening my chance of coming out of the room
i have a glass of water but my stomach hurts so much and i have been holding in my pee for several hours and my stomach really hurtts and i have to cry because if i dont there will be no climax and no movement but this feels like an illusion of any progress at all
towards going out side
so it's been getting more and more frequent even though i left the house today
i am able to go ouytside
i am unable to go outside
at least i dont have to work today because i said im still sick; well i am... and the next work day is wednesday and while not in therapy i can never tell whether i am doing OK or my state is deteriorating and i am just completely unaware but i am not completely blind to the changes that occur
i do not want to kill myself though
and in september there was a time where my therapist was on vacation for 3 weeks and i struggled a lot a lot struggle more than now i wanted to die and now i don't
and i don't want to cut myself
i just can't leave my room since it is a skin

january 18th , 2023

i am still pretty sick l.o.l, the main part of my sickness is the throat pain. it really hurts to swallow and there is a dry feeling no matter how much water i drink. i took a break from my computer because two days ago i was on it for the entire day.. time seems to stretch on and on when you are sick... but for now i am okay, i just hope i will start recovering soon. <3

january 16th , 2023

i woke up today with a sore throat, and i might have caught the flu because my boyfriend was sick and we spent the week-end together. i dont regret it though, not at all, i missed him a lot and it was really fun and relaxing to be together, since we havent seen each other for two weeks and we aren't used to that at all..!!!
yesterday at work i was feeling very weak and could not work at the same pace as i usually do. today i wrote to my manager that i cant work tonight, and i am proud of myself for writing that message and not procrastinating or just ignoring my feeling not so well and going to work regardless, i think it is really healthy that i recognized when i need to rest.
other than this i am in a good mood today, very relaxed; i made myself some tea and am staying hydrated. i also gurgled some salt water, which is something my dad always advises to do when you are feeling the sickness in your throat. i will tell him about it later today when we talk on the phone and he will be very pleased to hear! i hope today goes on in a similar way to how it has began; peaceful...

i have spent most of today so far working on this web site, but the internet stopped working so i am taking a break to write this, and maybe eat something. i hope you who is reading this has a nice day, who-ever you may be.

p.s. i continued to work on this web site for the rest of the day, and by the end of it i was worn out... i should not spend entire days staring at a screen u_u;;

january 11th , 2023

today i was out of my house for the majority of the time, i visited my dad, then i came home and not long after i went out again to visit my friend. we ate at mcdonald's. i had a "texas"(not sure why that was the name LOL) veggie burger and some corn-sticks...delicious

then on my way home i encountered a cat sitting on a car's hood (i just looked up that word)
it looked cold and a bit sick and thin and i gave it some warmth for a while.. i also gave it my leftovers from the veggie burger... sadly it isn't real meat but the cat seemed to accept it as food, and ate most of the leftover patty (it wasnt much, but im glad i could give it something)
i also saw younger kittens peek out from under cars after the leftovers were out for a while. it's really cold today, my room is cold too. i dont really have heating so my hands are freezing.

also yesterday i went to sleep at 4AM, and i had a bit of a hard time falling asleep because it was so cold. though i cherish these moments = the winter ends quickly here, and summer seems neverending at times. sometimes when i feel hot or cold, i start thinking i have always and forever will feel like that. like i will never be warm. or i will never be cold. but thats not true at all, and can change rapidly at times

january 2nd , 2023

january is always difficult, i am not doing well today. beginning doesnt come naturally to me, so i am stuck one step before the first one.
my mom wants me to dress up and go out with her, to take awalk maybe and feel the air because really i dont feel the blowing wind right now, i only feel the cold in my still room
and yet sometimes i manage to do this and that, to organize my room, to paint something, and for it to not feel meaningless and lifeless and i finally called the ceramics place, after 2 months... ; i am excited for tomorrow in the back of my head, but my mind feels very foggy as of right now, so everything is pushed back and becomes grayer. i hope tomorrow will be better. at least i will have someplace to go to = the ceramics class. i am nervous but its a good kind of nervousness.

i only left the room once today, so far.. it is 18:51