i often look back on interactions ive had with people and wish i could have said or done something differently.
i think, man, if i had just said this instead i wouldnt be so dissatisfied with that conversation, i wouldnt be so full of doubt... and maybe thats true... but its unfair towards myself to wish i had acted differently in retrospect, when in that moment i didnt have time to dwell on every word i was saying or every little thing i decided to do or not do; i was just living in that moment, i wasnt observing it from outside.

when i look back on interactions i often wish i couldve been more honest. like 2 months after my ex and i broke up, in 10th grade, we had online school and i looked pretty sad from my webcam. he texted me then and asked if i was ok..even though we did not talk much anymore.
i was heartbroken and i felt extremely rejected, and knowing him it just felt like... he was trying to rid himself of some guilt by asking me if i was ok. at the time i avoided saying anything outright - i felt a lot of shame and like my feelings were always unjustified - like i was not worthy of being heartbroken, or lonely, or sad, or angry, or disappointed, or anything else.
so when i look at that conversation, i think "wow.. if only i would have said the truth back then things wouldnt have felt so suffocating!"

sometimes when youreliving through a moment, you cant open your heart and project it clearly for the otherperson to see. its hard.
i am also slowly learning that keeping things in is sometimes good,. you shouldnt always let everything spill out.. theres a reason you have an innerworld and a skin, protecting that world from spilling everywhere.

another situation where i said something i regret and wish i could have said something different, is when one time, a year ago, a classmate of mine and i talked, about no particular topic, until she started talking a lot about the time she was hospitalized and tried killing herself; i was then (and still am) recovering from a self hard addiction so i knew it would be harmful for me to talk about this topic to a person i hardly know, but of course i was very intrigued and had this part in me that wanted to talk about that all day.

she really overshared with me horrifying things and i started getting really uncomfortable for that is a very triggering topic, but then something in me made me want to overshare as well. so i told her something about the time i cut myself in school and then i gave the bloody paper to a friend of mine, and when she asked where the blood came from i said it was a nosebleed. i said it in a sort of vague way and i felt so incredibly stupid afterwards, like i let something out that should have stayed inside, and now that classmate who barely knows me knows this weird story about me and i beat myself up for participating in that awful exchange.

and when i look back on that, i just wish i could have told her how i felt.

i still beat myself up sometimes over stuff i should have said.. i struggle to accept whatever i do and say but i try to.
sometimes i do really want to say something revealing and open my heart out to someone who isnt very familiar with me, but i have been trying to learn when i should keep things inside, and when i should try sharing. feeling exposed is scary, but i think one thing i noticed is that you can be honest without saying horrifying things and oversharing with someone else. you can be honest and signal to the other person that youre not comfortable exposing something they want to know.

on new year's eve i was at work and an old classmate of mine was a customer, (he didnt knowi was working there it was a fun coincidence) and he didnt go to the army and i didnt go either, i dont know him well but there were rumors about him struggling with mental health. he was fairly popular in highschool.
and i could say he seems charming and like a nice person to talk to.
anyway, we had small-talk when i saw him and we were like oh neat! neither of us went to the army. and he asked me why i didnt go, and i said "mental reasons" which is a very general term and many different paths people take can lead to them not going for "mental reasons", so thats not very particular.
he answered, "ok, but whats the real reason?"

later i thought, maybe i should have explained more, maybe i should have told him:

"i dont have a good answer to this. everything i think of saying feels like im just trying to either disturb or horrify you somehow, or to make you pity me, and i dont think theres anything specific i could say to you during a small-talk that could contain all of my reasonings."

but really, i dont think i could have said anything better than what i ended up saying:



he didnt seem satisfied with the answer, but before i could add much else the conversation moved on, and soon after i wasnt talking to him anymore...